Just to know...

I went to the Y this morning to work out and as I was leaving a picked up a Bible verse out of the basket there on the counter. It says: Then Jesus said, " Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

How I needed that one. I have been worrying a bit these days, while I am better and slowly but surely getting there mentally, physically ....

Spiritually, it seems I have been thinking too much on the whole big picture. While showering earlier I just had a meltdown..... I want so much to be at that point where I don't even have to question or find any doubt in my heart a that everything will be ok. It's almost like I know, but I don't know .... I want to know how can I just let it go? How can I NOT look back and just look ahead. I finally have answers to the question as far as why somethings are the way they are, mostly attributing to ADHD. I just don;t want to be a statistic in a book. In all my years I couldn't tell you how many times I have just cried, shouted, threw a fit, and just plain UGH at God. I am tired of it! I want so much to be free from myself and have more clarity . I want to NEED God so much that I have NO doubts whatsoever. I have been however, thanking God for what is ahead. I feel that I am in the going to face the fears or that I am in the process of it.

I want to be so sure of myself in my life, I want to have a career that I know I would love.

Now notice, I keep saying "I want" , obviously I have to be and do what GOD WANTS and NOT what I want It's just so frustrating , my life, I am so desperate for peace and understanding , yet I struggle to find it.